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Dealing with Rejection

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Olivia
Active Ink Slinger
This is a private question I received where the person wishes to remain anonymous:

Hey, how can I overcome the frustration of rejection? I'm at the point now where I've started smashing the shit outta stuff because I cant get a date. I've been everywhere and tried pretty much everything. I've spent money I dont have, I've joined dating agencies, online dating, speed dating, gone to clubs, bars, at the gym, swimming pool, everywhere you can think of and yet nothing and now its at a stage where I dont know what to do anymore

Without having analyzed your exact style of approach, my immediate thoughts are... maybe you're trying too hard?

It appears that you have a print-out of the check list on "where to meet girls" and are feverishly checking them all off. As the lead in your pencil begins to dwindle, so do your hopes and dreams. Yes, the singles scene does suck.

Here are some things you might want to ask yourself:

1. Are you being too aggressive in your approach?

When all of your social activities and interests revolve around the singular focus of "picking up chicks" there is a problem. For lack of a better term, think of it as "Eau de Desperation" and women can smell it a mile away. If you find yourself entering a bar, gym, swimming pool with the look of a starving animal desperate for a meal in the shape of a female conquest, it's very obvious, and very much a turn-off. There is a lot to be said about the casual laid-back approach of a guy that can take it or leave it... someone that is having a good time doing whatever he is doing and ends up interacting with someone they might be interested in, but are still 'cool' enough to not be overly aggressive about trying to seal the deal.

2. Are you behaving like an annoying door-to-door salesman and hitting up every single girl you encounter?

When you are at a location where you have plans to meet and pick up women, be aware that everyone have some measure of social awareness. Even if you're not directly interacting with certain people, that doesn't mean that they haven't casually taken notice of you in the vicinity. This means that if you are rushing your attempt to close the deal with a girl and she brushes you off, you should not just take a two minute breather and then hit up the next girl you see. Women notice the creepy guys that are putting the moves on every girl they come across, especially as the sea of rejection behind them begins to swell like a tsunami. This makes you exponentially more undesirable. Not only will you come across as a desperate guy in general, but the lack of interest starts to become contagious. Women tend to behave similarly and if they've just watched you be rejected all night long, chances are they are going to follow the trend that's already been set by their female peers.

3. Are you trying to date out of your league?

Sometimes people are get upset because they feel they are always being 'rejected' by their desired demographic. Try to look objectively at this demographic. Are you sure you're not aiming too high? Very much like the tragic tale of the "nice guy" versus the "bad boy", lots of men get hung up on the bad girls and the perfect 10s and completely bypass the "nice girls" and the average types that would be far better suited to them. I'm not just talking about superficial attractiveness either. If you are a quiet, stay at home type that isn't confident when it comes to love and sex, going after the wild party girls or the popular extroverted cheerleader types probably isn't the best move. You can keep chasing these women and being rejected, or you can start broadening your dating demographic. Remember... you can't hunt for lions and tigers if all you are carrying is a BB gun. Start small and consider going after more attainable targets.

4. Being in an 'unattractive state of mind' does not make you desirable or dateable.

Your comments about "smashing the shit outta stuff" and "spending money you don't have" and extreme focus on needing a relationship in order to validate happiness and success does not translate into the image of a confident desirable man. I know the singles scene can be difficult, but think about the image you are projecting, and think about the way you feel about yourself in general. People want to be around positive energy. It's more important to work on this first, in my opinion.


In terms of overcoming the frustration of rejection:

Remember that it happens to everyone. Everyone gets rejected at some point and even the most beautiful and successful people get cheated on or dumped. This is just part of life.

You can do the anger quick fixes like "smashing stuff" or sitting in your car and screaming at the top of your lungs or maybe even turn it into some kind of positive energy release like running or kickboxing.

Or you can try not to take everything so personally and just understand that "it is what it is" and at the end of the day, life still goes on. Finding some hobbies or interests outside of dating (or trying to date) is probably a wise idea. You don't want this to become an obsessive focus. As I said before, you have to be able to find happiness in your life on your own first before you can expect to invite someone else into it.
Kornpopper
Advanced Wordsmith
I have heard this in the past and have no clue if it is true or not. Some women simply won't take that chance with a guy if no other woman has or will. If they see or know you are always alone that tends to chase some away, no clue why.(were not diseased, ladies) Whether they see you as broken and there must be something wrong with you or they just aren't interested, I don't know. Olivia made a good point saying you have to find happiness in your own life first. Without this all you have is a bottomless abyss that you are asking women to jump into with no escape. Another thing to keep in mind is when you do find that special person those women who rejected you may think twice and wonder why they themselves are still single.

And ladies if you are single and looking, take the opportunity to approach the guy you may be interested in. He may be to shy or busy with friends to be able to approach you and the least you can do is give us guys the satisfaction of a conversation to find out if we are compatible.

We are all given opportunities, many of which are missed because they often come disguised as hard work.
Just my thoughts.
The decisions we make dictate the life we have.
Follow your dreams, for those that do not will only try to discourage others.
Dancing_Doll
Alpha Blonde
Quote by Kornpopper
I have heard this in the past and have no clue if it is true or not. Some women simply won't take that chance with a guy if no other woman has or will. If they see or know you are always alone that tends to chase some away, no clue why.(were not diseased, ladies) Whether they see you as broken and there must be something wrong with you or they just aren't interested.


I don't have a problem with this one at all. I've always thought more highly of the guy that is comfortable with the status of being single and doing his own thing versus the chronic relationship-jumpers. If a guy always has to be in a relationship and tends to jump from one to the next within the same week, there is definitely something wrong with him. That whole 'fear of being alone' thing is a huge turn-off (and red flag). I would much prefer a guy that has been single for two years versus the guy that was in a relationship for two years and just broke up with her the week before I met him. I see it as more that the guy is confident and independent and enjoying life without needing the girlfriend-crutch.

Now if the guy is staying single because he's anti-social, a loner/weirdo/loser and hasn't gotten laid in all the years he's been single, then yeah, I'd think something was 'off'.

As for the guy that works the singles scene like he's on a tunnel-visioned mission to hook up with anything that has a pussy, yeah that's a turn-off. If I'm watching him get turned down at a bar all night long and he doesn't seem phased at all and just goes onward to the next girl, I will be walking away too. Not because he's been rejected so many times, but more because I think his intentions are pretty obvious (and weak). No girl wants to be another number on the list of eligible chicks he's hitting on on a party. I'd say, after a guy has been shot-down by three girls at a bar, it's time to move to another bar for the rest of the evening. It's best not to keep fishing in the same pond.
nicola
Matriarch
This woman didn't handle rejection very well:

A woman in the Netherlands has been charged with stalking after allegedly calling her ex-boyfriend 65,000 times in the past 12 months, the Washington Post reports.

After the 62-year-old recipient of the phone calls filed a complaint, the woman was arrested.

Police also seized mobile phones and computers from her home in Rotterdam.

The woman said that her behaviour was completely normal; they were in a relationship.

The maths show she had to have called 178 times a day. That's 7.8 calls an hour, 24 hours a day - one phone call every 8.1 minutes without ever stopping.

Nicolette Stoel, prosecution spokeswoman at the Hague, said the woman claimed, during a preliminary hearing, that because she was dating the man, the amount of phone calls she placed was not unreasonable.

However, the man denied their relationship.
The court has ordered her not to contact the man again.
DirtyMartini
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
Quote by nicola
This woman didn't handle rejection very well:

A woman in the Netherlands has been charged with stalking after allegedly calling her ex-boyfriend 65,000 times in the past 12 months, the Washington Post reports.

After the 62-year-old recipient of the phone calls filed a complaint, the woman was arrested.

Police also seized mobile phones and computers from her home in Rotterdam.

The woman said that her behaviour was completely normal; they were in a relationship.

The maths show she had to have called 178 times a day. That's 7.8 calls an hour, 24 hours a day - one phone call every 8.1 minutes without ever stopping.

Nicolette Stoel, prosecution spokeswoman at the Hague, said the woman claimed, during a preliminary hearing, that because she was dating the man, the amount of phone calls she placed was not unreasonable.

However, the man denied their relationship.
The court has ordered her not to contact the man again.


You know, maybe it's me...but, if my ex was calling me once every 8 minutes around the clock for a year, I think I might have thought about changing my phone number sometime in that 12 month period...but, that would be me...

Make me sort of wonder about his sanity...maybe they were meant for each other after all...just saying...

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nicola
Matriarch
He probably hadn't thought of that.

Or maybe he liked the attention for a while, until it got unbearable - the 65,000th call was the one that broke the camel's back!
Kornpopper
Advanced Wordsmith
Quote by Dancing_Doll

Now if the guy is staying single because he's anti-social, a loner/weirdo/loser and hasn't gotten laid in all the years he's been single, then yeah, I'd think something was 'off'.


I'll stick up for those anti-social/weirdo/losers and say this: they may have an introverted personality and it may be more draining emotionally on them to be in public. Those with this personality choose to be at home because it helps to re-energize them. That does not make them anymore incapable of being a great lover, husband, boyfriend, or father. Yes they may need a little help or motivation to bring out those alpha male traits, but they can also be some of the best partners. I say this because that struck a cord with me as I am an anti-social person with that introverted personality. Will I ever approach a woman in a bar, probably not. I would choose to approach someone in a place where there are fewer people around.

Many men hate being rejected because, in my opinion, it makes them feel emasculated and not be able to do that simple task of picking up a woman. Finding your partner is like searching for a needle in a haystack. That needle can not be found if your using a pitch fork to look through the pile. You have to look at each strand of straw before you find the needle, otherwise you risk throwing away that one person who may be the perfect match. This is why I said in my previous post to honor all potential partners with a conversation. That shy guy may be the perfect guy even though he doesn't know what to say when he approaches you.
The decisions we make dictate the life we have.
Follow your dreams, for those that do not will only try to discourage others.
Dancing_Doll
Alpha Blonde
Quote by Kornpopper


Finding your partner is like searching for a needle in a haystack. That needle can not be found if your using a pitch fork to look through the pile. You have to look at each strand of straw before you find the needle, otherwise you risk throwing away that one person who may be the perfect match. This is why I said in my previous post to honor all potential partners with a conversation. That shy guy may be the perfect guy even though he doesn't know what to say when he approaches you.


I agree with your entire post, except for this line (in the general sense). A lot of men on the singles scene judge women as snobby/bitchy or too 'high on herself' because she is dismissive or selective with who she talks to when approached. I totally appreciate that fear of rejection is very much a part of a guy's psyche when he makes the first approach. But... Guys don't know what it's like to be a woman in a bar or club where you get hit on every 5 minutes and have strange men trying to stop you or grab your arm as you move through a packed dancefloor trying to get to the bathroom. If a woman stopped to acknowledge/talk to every guy that hit on her, her entire night would be blitzed by trying to be polite and give every "potential partner" a chance. That's why a lot of girls end up going to gay clubs when they just want to dance and not be bothered by guys. I'm going to stick up for the girls at the bar who are getting judged as vain, egotistical bitches because they are ignoring 90% of the guys that hit on them. That's not to say that being rude is justified either, but in general women tend to have their guard up in social situations. There might be a 'perfect' shy/introverted guy in the crowd but there is a very tiny window of opportunity to make an impression on that scene.

Having said that, the introvert/anti-social type guys are probably going to do better outside the typical meet market places. And they are probably going to be better suited to a girl that matches their social style to some general degree.
WellMadeMale
Constant Gardener
Quote by nicola
He probably hadn't thought of that.

Or maybe he liked the attention for a while, until it got unbearable - the 65,000th call was the one that broke the camel's back!


I'm thinking I'd have been changing my number and making it unlisted/private - around the 25th undesired phone call.

I've a friend who was a single father of a young son in 2000. He met a young woman about his age, a single working mother...at a daycare which they both frequented.

He doesn't do rejection very well. Neither rejecting nor being rejected. He asked her to lunch, then to another lunch, then a movie, then something else...and within a few weeks they were happily banging and spending a lot of free time with one another. In the process of this dating ritual...she did or said something which made him back away and then actually find a new daycare center...she had been emailing him, at first...a few times each day. Something he found endearing at first.

That grew to ten, then twenty then thirty times a day. Apparently she was emailing him twitter-style, years before Twitter was even thought of and rolled out.

He told me about her in 2010.

"She's still emailing you 30 times a day?"

"Closer to 100 times a day, man."

"You're shitting me...and you haven't seen her since 2000?"

"You notice I quit using that email account name, haven't you?"

"Come to think of it, I haven't seen S0larisJedi email in a few years..."

"Yeah, I set up a separate email server in my house. It's my son's old Pentium III computer with a 160Gb hard drive."

"Just to handle her incoming email chatter?"

"Yeah. Last time I checked it, last month...there were over 130,000 emails received from Jana since April 2001, that's when I set up that dedicated server and quit using that account name."

"And how many before then, had you received?"

"I dunno, maybe 2,000. She emails me about 40 fucking times a day. Usually it's just a wink or an icon of her blowing a kiss."

"Whack."

"She's had four or five boyfriends and two long term relationships all during this time and keeps me informed and updated as to what she's doing or how she's feeling."

"Does she tell you when she's having her period or how many condoms some guy used on her?"

"Heheh...she tells me every fucking intimate detail of her life. I've got a ten year diary on my server, man."

"What are you gonna do with all that crap?"

"When I'm bored and feeling like my life is shit, I dive in and read someone's collection of dreary tales and I feel better about my lot in life."
The same GQP demanding we move on from January 6th, 2021 is still doing audits of the November 3rd, 2020 election.
Guest
Lurker
As Dancing Doll so rightly said, "the introvert/anti-social type guys are probably going to do better outside the typical meet market places. And they are probably going to be better suited to a girl that matches their social style to some general degree."

It really takes a masochist (OK, it's fine for people who like it!) for a quiet guy to try to meet a woman in an environment that is completely set up against him. And in the right place, right time, the inaccessible queen of the dance might be quite receptive, somewhere where she's not using all her energy swatting the guys off.
Kornpopper
Advanced Wordsmith
Quote by Dancing_Doll
Quote by Kornpopper


Finding your partner is like searching for a needle in a haystack. That needle can not be found if your using a pitch fork to look through the pile. You have to look at each strand of straw before you find the needle, otherwise you risk throwing away that one person who may be the perfect match. This is why I said in my previous post to honor all potential partners with a conversation. That shy guy may be the perfect guy even though he doesn't know what to say when he approaches you.


I agree with your entire post, except for this line (in the general sense). A lot of men on the singles scene judge women as snobby/bitchy or too 'high on herself' because she is dismissive or selective with who she talks to when approached. I totally appreciate that fear of rejection is very much a part of a guy's psyche when he makes the first approach. But... Guys don't know what it's like to be a woman in a bar or club where you get hit on every 5 minutes and have strange men trying to stop you or grab your arm as you move through a packed dancefloor trying to get to the bathroom. If a woman stopped to acknowledge/talk to every guy that hit on her, her entire night would be blitzed by trying to be polite and give every "potential partner" a chance. That's why a lot of girls end up going to gay clubs when they just want to dance and not be bothered by guys. I'm going to stick up for the girls at the bar who are getting judged as vain, egotistical bitches because they are ignoring 90% of the guys that hit on them. That's not to say that being rude is justified either, but in general women tend to have their guard up in social situations. There might be a 'perfect' shy/introverted guy in the crowd but there is a very tiny window of opportunity to make an impression on that scene.

Having said that, the introvert/anti-social type guys are probably going to do better outside the typical meet market places. And they are probably going to be better suited to a girl that matches their social style to some general degree.


I should clarify that. I don't mean to come off as condescending, so what I meant to say is a potential partner is someone who is kind, respectful, open, and honest(at least in my eyes). I agree with you as it would be hard for a woman in a club who gets hit on every minute to give everyone a chance. If some guy grabs her arm or stops her to get her attention then he needs a knee to the groin! Guys like that give the good ones a bad rap. That is no way respectful or the polite way to approach a woman. If she knows in the first few seconds that he is a good person then by all means have the conversation, even if it is just a short one lasting only a minute or two.

In my eyes those snobby/bitchy women are the ones just looking to get a free drink from the guy who wants to buy her one and then chase them off.

And yes I agree with you that it would be better to meet those women with the same social style as you. It is also so much harder for the introverted people to meet others if they do not like to go out for the night.
The decisions we make dictate the life we have.
Follow your dreams, for those that do not will only try to discourage others.
WellMadeMale
Constant Gardener
Quote by Kornpopper
In my eyes those snobby/bitchy women are the ones just looking to get a free drink from the guy who wants to buy her one and then chase them off.

And yes I agree with you that it would be better to meet those women with the same social style as you. It is also so much harder for the introverted people to meet others if they do not like to go out for the night.


Korn, you need to wake up, man.

You're the male. It's how things are done, dude. Please reign yourself in and quit fucking whining. Just do what is the manly thing to do, or quit being such a little bitch.

You think Cro-magnon man or Mr Neanderthal thought the same fucking way you think? Dude, you'd be exfuckingtinct.

PS...you'll get laid more often and you might even meet HER and fall in love.

Man the hell up.
The same GQP demanding we move on from January 6th, 2021 is still doing audits of the November 3rd, 2020 election.
LadyX
Artistic Tart
"quit your fucking whining"?

Jesus Christ, start your own advice column if you just want to routinely dress other guys down here. The "beta" labels and manhood attacks are getting a little old.
WellMadeMale
Constant Gardener
Quote by LadyX
"quit your fucking whining"?

Jesus Christ, start your own advice column if you just want to routinely dress other guys down here. The "beta" labels and manhood attacks are getting a little old.


Where did I place that BRF at? Anyone else have a copy. I suddenly feel a need to file a formal rebuttal!
The same GQP demanding we move on from January 6th, 2021 is still doing audits of the November 3rd, 2020 election.
Fugly
Active Ink Slinger
Getting back to the subject

Very good advice Olivia, and I am glad you did not ignore the 'smashing the shit outta things' comment. Maybe the person in question is coming across as frustrated and aggressive and hence no luck with the ladies. He/she may need to take a break from the dating scene and focus on the positive aspects of life; forget love for the moment and become confident in other matters. He/she may be trying way too hard and needs to relax.

Love often comes when we are not expecting it or we are not trying.

Or, he could always order a bride
nicola
Matriarch
If you can't show respect for Olivia and her forum / column, please do not post in it.
Magical_felix
Wild at Heart
Quote by Kornpopper
Quote by Dancing_Doll
Quote by Kornpopper


Finding your partner is like searching for a needle in a haystack. That needle can not be found if your using a pitch fork to look through the pile. You have to look at each strand of straw before you find the needle, otherwise you risk throwing away that one person who may be the perfect match. This is why I said in my previous post to honor all potential partners with a conversation. That shy guy may be the perfect guy even though he doesn't know what to say when he approaches you.


I agree with your entire post, except for this line (in the general sense). A lot of men on the singles scene judge women as snobby/bitchy or too 'high on herself' because she is dismissive or selective with who she talks to when approached. I totally appreciate that fear of rejection is very much a part of a guy's psyche when he makes the first approach. But... Guys don't know what it's like to be a woman in a bar or club where you get hit on every 5 minutes and have strange men trying to stop you or grab your arm as you move through a packed dancefloor trying to get to the bathroom. If a woman stopped to acknowledge/talk to every guy that hit on her, her entire night would be blitzed by trying to be polite and give every "potential partner" a chance. That's why a lot of girls end up going to gay clubs when they just want to dance and not be bothered by guys. I'm going to stick up for the girls at the bar who are getting judged as vain, egotistical bitches because they are ignoring 90% of the guys that hit on them. That's not to say that being rude is justified either, but in general women tend to have their guard up in social situations. There might be a 'perfect' shy/introverted guy in the crowd but there is a very tiny window of opportunity to make an impression on that scene.

Having said that, the introvert/anti-social type guys are probably going to do better outside the typical meet market places. And they are probably going to be better suited to a girl that matches their social style to some general degree.


I should clarify that. I don't mean to come off as condescending, so what I meant to say is a potential partner is someone who is kind, respectful, open, and honest(at least in my eyes). I agree with you as it would be hard for a woman in a club who gets hit on every minute to give everyone a chance. If some guy grabs her arm or stops her to get her attention then he needs a knee to the groin! Guys like that give the good ones a bad rap. That is no way respectful or the polite way to approach a woman. If she knows in the first few seconds that he is a good person then by all means have the conversation, even if it is just a short one lasting only a minute or two.

In my eyes those snobby/bitchy women are the ones just looking to get a free drink from the guy who wants to buy her one and then chase them off.

And yes I agree with you that it would be better to meet those women with the same social style as you. It is also so much harder for the introverted people to meet others if they do not like to go out for the night.


Getting women drinks at a bar is a stupid move. To them is says one of two things (just my opinion) That you want to get them a little buzzed so you look better or they get looser.. Or that you have no game and getting the drink is your 'in'. Neither of which is is all that impressive. I don't consider myself introverted nor extroverted. Im different on different days depending on my mood. But lets say you do go the buying her a drink route and as you put it, she chases you off. You have to get out of that self defeating mindset. You may think she was chasing you off after she accepted your drink because you THINK she was looking for a free one. The real problem might have been that you came off as, boring, desperate, angry, sad, not cool etc, after she took the first sip... Women aren't these evil creatures looking to use men. Do you think the result would have been different if you just started talking to her instead of buying a drink and five minutes later she went her own way? probably not. Winners think they are going to win all the time, losers think they are going to lose all the time. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy when you think either way.

In your previous post you talk about introverted men being drained emotionally in public. Think about this, what woman wants to be around that? Sure you may be totally loyal, loving and all that shit. But in my experience women are looking for a strong willed, fun, interesting type of guy and not a house pet that will do whatever they say. They like to follow someone that will lead them on an adventure. Call them on their bullshit. Has his own way of thinking. Introversion is a state of mind. You have to go out and swing your cock around and see what girl will grab it. Not all of them will and you can't think about the ones that wont. Who cares.. Just go out and be yourself. BUT TALK, don't just sit there. No one likes that.

Im not trying to attack you. Even if it comes off that way.
Kornpopper
Advanced Wordsmith
Thank You Felix. I never looked at the situation that way. This is good advice.
The decisions we make dictate the life we have.
Follow your dreams, for those that do not will only try to discourage others.
Guest
Lurker
Quote by Olivia

4. Being in an 'unattractive state of mind' does not make you desirable or dateable.

Your comments about "smashing the shit outta stuff" and "spending money you don't have" and extreme focus on needing a relationship in order to validate happiness and success does not translate into the image of a confident desirable man. I know the singles scene can be difficult, but think about the image you are projecting, and think about the way you feel about yourself in general. People want to be around positive energy. It's more important to work on this first, in my opinion.


I think this is spot on and the root of the problem. The description the advisee gave to you reminds me too much of my early twenties. Going to meat markets with friends, drinking too much, and making a general fool of myself as a way of masking the disappointment of rejection. It wasn't until later, that I realized that the problem wasn't the scene, it wasn't the girls, but rather with myself. I wasn't happy and other people can smell it a mile away and they keep their distance. Eventually I realized that I needed to stop it all together. Stop the bars, stop trying to get the next girl, to just stop and reset. It took a year and at the other end I was alone, but happy to be alone. The difference was amazing. I didn't mind when someone said, "not interested" or "I'm seeing someone". I was aware of myself and that was enough. Sorry to go on a bit, the situation hit a bit close.