Dear Cam,
You've asked two very good questions that both stem off the social pressure of men to be the aggressors and seducers when it comes to dating and hooking up.
Your first question is about how to avoid slipping into the friend zone while at the same time not appearing like a total creeper or sleazebag by coming on too strong too fast. The best advice I can give without using a microphone with which I can pitch you interesting dialogue cues is to use a bit of flirty humour with a girl. It's a rare man who can walk into a room, cast his gaze on a woman and know all the right lines and moves required to inspire a puddle of juices in her panties. When men like George Clooney and James Bond set their sights on a woman, she is never going to inadvertently give them a pass into the friend-zone. But those types of guys are advanced charmers, so let's fall back to the basics.
Eye Contact Made, Signal Received
A girl probably knows within a couple of minutes if she's interested in getting to know you better (in a romantic/sexual way). Most of the time she is going off initial physical attraction. If you get past this gate, then you get your chance to make your pitch. If she's already interested, then your pitch actually doesn't have to that awe-inspiring. Most women respond better to a man that isn't putting on an obvious show. Now in the case of the girl in the cafe that you were sharing mutual flirty glances with, really all you have to do is make the approach. If you feel a bit awkward with social introductions, you can always default to the "I just wanted to introduce myself. I'm Cam"... If she has already been sending you signals, she's going to welcome your approach regardless of what you mumble as the first sentence.
Still Feeling Invisible?
If you're uncertain about whether a girl has even noticed that you exist but you've been secretly ogling her from behind your latte and magazine and you feel you have a chance, then walk up to where she's sitting and find something neutral that you can comment on (if you can find a way to weave a bit of humour into it, even better). This can range from commenting on what she's drinking (if it involves whipped cream or chocolate shavings, you can comment on how decadent it is and ask her what's in it or what it's called), to taking notice of what she's reading, to maybe a school insignia on her backpack ("hey, do you go to X College? My buddy keeps telling me they have great live bands at their pub nights. Have you been to one?") or if she's near the dessert window you can glance over and smile and try to catch her attention and just remark "decisions, decisions... I never know what to pick." These are just vague examples. Every situation will have certain *Target Items* that can be used as a conversation starter. Bonus if the weather conditions outside the cafe are unusual... ie pouring rain, hurricane winds, or steaming hot. A flirty smile and a comment on the torrential downpour that you're not looking forward to venturing out into is a great way to make that initial contact.
Leave the cheeseball lines or super-suave openers to the movies. They are totally unnecessary, and unless you are extremely witty or sexy you run of the risk of looking like you're one of those creepers that uses the same lines on as every girl in your vicinity.
Now here's the important bit:
Does she smile back at you? Does she sit up a bit in her chair with slightly wider and engaging eyes and respond back to your comment? Does she suddenly start playing with her hair or appear more conscious of her appearance? That means she's interested... proceed with an introduction of who you are, engage in some flirty banter or conversation and if she's responding well, then ask if you can join her. You can also suggest going out some other time and either get her number or offer her yours.
Now, if you've made your intro comment and her reaction is to barely glance up or acknowledge you and she's not really smiling and seems to be looking over your shoulder for the nearest exist... back away. She's not interested and proceeding any further will just make things more awkward for both of you.
Daytime pick-ups need to be done a little more casually. It's very different than a bar or nightclub approach where you can be much more directly flirtatious. It's better to sound relaxed and friendly than say anything that's overtly sexually charged.
Trying to Stay out of the Friend Zone:
As for avoiding the friend zone, once you've already established a connection with a girl, the key is to keep a light flirtation going as much as possible. If the way you converse with her could easily be compared to the way you converse with your sister or a male buddy, then you're doing it wrong. You need to show that you're into her and that you're a prospect. Based on the way she reacts to your flirting, it should give you a feel for whether she shares the interest and attraction. Use casual humour in your flirting and make sure your eyes reflect that spark of heat that you obviously feel for her. Try to avoid romantic cliches and excessive compliments. They tend to appear amateurish (unless you from a much older and conservative generation). Keep it fun, fresh and confident with just a little hint of playful sexy innuendo for best results.
Olivia xxx
Thanks for posting this question, Cam. You sound remarkably similar to me - confident in most aspects of life but never know when to make your move and usually end up in the 'friend zone' (although, I must say, I now have some wonderful friends because of my 'ineptitude' at flirting).
Thanks also to Olivia for her useful response. Sometimes starting a casual conversation like that is easier said than done, but I've been working on it and it gets easier with time. The weather is definitely your friend in these instances.
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) However When I attempted to begin talking to her I couldn't think of anything to say besides "hi" and i dont know about anyone else but having nothing else to say besides hi can lead to some of the shortest and most awkward "Conversations" i've ever had. Any pointers or suggestions on this?
