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Am I over reacting?

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Kornpopper
Advanced Wordsmith
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Hello Olivia, you have a great advice column so I would like your advice. Here's my situation: My Ex and I have remained great friends after we have parted ways mutually as we were not compatable as lovers but better friends. We keep in contact regularly and even go out to eat and catch up on each others lives or just hang out with each other. Well over a year ago she started seeing this guy and she said everything was great for the first few months. Then he moved out of town for a different job which is only a couple towns over and their relationship kind of fell apart after that. She told me she was done with him and she didn't see him for a couple of months, then she started to see him on and off again.

This has been going on now for almost a year. This guy comes around when he wants to and doesn't want to go out in public where they might be seen or do anything with her other then just have sex with her. They have gotten into fights and she has told me she is done with him but she always goes back to him. The advice I have been giving her is to leave the relationship all together and cut ties with him. She says she has true feelings for him and can't let him go, yet she continues to have sex with him when he comes around and believes that he will change. They are both in their early twenties. Am I wrong at seeing that she is getting played? Am I over reacting and giving her the wrong advice?

Thank You
Kornpopper
The decisions we make dictate the life we have.
Follow your dreams, for those that do not will only try to discourage others.
Olivia
Active Ink Slinger
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Unfortunately your friend has been demoted to FuckBuddy status and she doesn't appear to be aware of it yet.

Given that they had a relationship at one point, she sees this as "on again and off again" and maybe even along the lines of "working things out." He, on the other hand, sees it as a fun fuck when he's in town with a girl he's already familiar with and which requires zero effort in order to close the deal. It's far more reliable than trolling bars for new girls when he's in town. He has a sure thing, ready and waiting.

The reason I am being so harsh with how I see this is due to two reasons.

1. It's the truth. smile

2. Anytime a guy avoids going into public with a girl, and when all your time spent together involves discreet fuck-sessions indoors, he is not seeing this as a relationship. I'm assuming he probably doesn't call her when he's back home and more likely sends her a few texts along the lines of "hey, wanna get together?" or "we should hang out tonight."

Now, there is nothing wrong with what he is doing. I support the fuckbuddy system... as long as both people know where they stand.

Often one person likes the other person more, and while the other person is aware of this, they choose to ignore it or avoid it in order to enjoy the no-strings sex involved. The other person may continue with delusions of what they have because they don't understand why this person would not want to pursue them properly if they have such a great sexual connection.

Which leads me to another point. Sometimes the sexual connection isn't even that great. Sometimes it's just an option to getting the pipes cleaned. What she might think of as this magical physical chemistry, he might just see as a willing warm-bodied female that is giving him open access.

Kornpopper, I think you are giving her the right advice, although whether she will actually listen to you is probably another matter.

If she is pinning romantic hopes on him, she is definitely getting played in this situation. If she's able to let go of the relationship-emotions she had with him and just see him as a fun hook-up (the re-use and recycle policy with exes can be very mutually satisfying), then I'd say let her enjoy it for what it is.

In the end they are both young and there is probably lots of pipe-cleaning in their immediate future with various sexual and romantic prospects.

The general rule is: when feelings are still involved, using your ex as a fuckbuddy is probably a very doomed idea.

And

If you never go into public with a person, then you are not in a relationship.
clum
Clumeleon
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You sound like a really good friend to this girl, Kyle, and that's exactly the advice I would be giving in that situation.

However, be careful not to come across as jealous or like you're trying to break them up for your own benefit. Trying to give relationship advice to someone you used to have feelings for (perhaps still do) can be very tricky. I've fallen foul of this myself a few times and it took a lot of fixing.

She'll listent to you eventually. Be there for her when it all goes to shit (I'm sure you will anyway).
Magical_felix
Wild at Heart
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Sounds like your 'friend' is under the influence of a pied piper of fucking. When I was younger I used to fuck my ex girlfriends too. They knew it was just for fun and your ex probably knows it too. Of course there will be deeper feelings when fucking an ex. Has anyone here not cuddled after fucking an ex and thought about the times when you were together?

What you have to think about is WHY she is telling YOU all of this. She probably knows it fucks with your emotions. Especially if she left you and she knows you still like her. I mean you're making time to take her to lunch 'n' shit when you can be doing ANYTHING else, like maybe taking a new girl to lunch. She might just be playing the victim to get some kind of odd reaction from you.

Some vampires walk in the daylight and they aren't after your blood.
lafayettemister
Active Ink Slinger
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If he moved out of town and only visits for a quick fuck and never wants to be seen in public... um.. that dude has a wife or fiance' or girlfriend.



When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. Socrates
Guest
Lurker
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Quote by lafayettemister
If he moved out of town and only visits for a quick fuck and never wants to be seen in public... um.. that dude has a wife or fiance' or girlfriend.


my thoughts exactly!
Guest
Lurker
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Quote by Yahtzee
Quote by lafayettemister
If he moved out of town and only visits for a quick fuck and never wants to be seen in public... um.. that dude has a wife or fiance' or girlfriend.


my thoughts exactly!


dito definittly agree
Kornpopper
Advanced Wordsmith
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Quote by Magical_felix
Sounds like your 'friend' is under the influence of a pied piper of fucking. When I was younger I used to fuck my ex girlfriends too. They knew it was just for fun and your ex probably knows it too. Of course there will be deeper feelings when fucking an ex. Has anyone here not cuddled after fucking an ex and thought about the times when you were together?

What you have to think about is WHY she is telling YOU all of this. She probably knows it fucks with your emotions. Especially if she left you and she knows you still like her. I mean you're making time to take her to lunch 'n' shit when you can be doing ANYTHING else, like maybe taking a new girl to lunch. She might just be playing the victim to get some kind of odd reaction from you.

Some vampires walk in the daylight and they aren't after your blood.

Sorry to burst your bubble Felix but we parted ways before we had sex with each other, and I have never had sex with her! That is the truth. Everything I stated in the original post is to my knowledge true form what she has told me. The reason we hang out with each other is we are both from very small towns and there are not many people our own age here, so it's nice to go out every now and then with friends your own age.
The decisions we make dictate the life we have.
Follow your dreams, for those that do not will only try to discourage others.
Magical_felix
Wild at Heart
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Quote by Kornpopper
Quote by Magical_felix
Sounds like your 'friend' is under the influence of a pied piper of fucking. When I was younger I used to fuck my ex girlfriends too. They knew it was just for fun and your ex probably knows it too. Of course there will be deeper feelings when fucking an ex. Has anyone here not cuddled after fucking an ex and thought about the times when you were together?

What you have to think about is WHY she is telling YOU all of this. She probably knows it fucks with your emotions. Especially if she left you and she knows you still like her. I mean you're making time to take her to lunch 'n' shit when you can be doing ANYTHING else, like maybe taking a new girl to lunch. She might just be playing the victim to get some kind of odd reaction from you.

Some vampires walk in the daylight and they aren't after your blood.

Sorry to burst your bubble Felix but we parted ways before we had sex with each other, and I have never had sex with her! That is the truth. Everything I stated in the original post is to my knowledge true form what she has told me. The reason we hang out with each other is we are both from very small towns and there are not many people our own age here, so it's nice to go out every now and then with friends your own age.


You never had sex...and she's your ex-girlfriend? And She tells you about a guy that fucks her on the side? (yeah, good job to the three genius detectives above that solved that mystery...) Does she realize that she's your ex? And she hangs out with you to talk abou...Oh nevermind hahaha carry on Kornpopper.
WellMadeMale
Constant Gardener
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Quote by Magical_felix


You never had sex...and she's your ex-girlfriend? And She tells you about a guy that fucks her on the side? (yeah, good job to the three genius detectives above that solved that mystery...) Does she realize that she's your ex? And she hangs out with you to talk abou...Oh nevermind hahaha carry on Kornpopper.


And now we know the rest of the story.

Some guys play the game using much different definitions than the rest of us, Felix. It's all in the deciphering of what the hell they are really saying, isn't it?
The same GQP demanding we move on from January 6th, 2021 is still doing audits of the November 3rd, 2020 election.
Magical_felix
Wild at Heart
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Quote by WellMadeMale
Quote by Magical_felix


You never had sex...and she's your ex-girlfriend? And She tells you about a guy that fucks her on the side? (yeah, good job to the three genius detectives above that solved that mystery...) Does she realize that she's your ex? And she hangs out with you to talk abou...Oh nevermind hahaha carry on Kornpopper.


And now we know the rest of the story.

Some guys play the game using much different definitions than the rest of us, Felix. It's all in the deciphering of what the hell they are really saying, isn't it?


I guess so. Reminds me of the janitor that calls himself an executive sanitary technician. Or actually that janitor cleaned shit too, so maybe that's not a good comparison... Hmmm... Maybe more like a security guard that calls himself a police officer. Yeah that's more like it. A security guard that never made any 'arrests' like a real cop would.
Coco
Cocolicious
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If you're her friend tell her she's a fuckbuddy. This is the best way to get through to her. Why keep hanging around if she wants more? He either can't deliver what she wants or doesn't want to. If she sticks to it, then she deserves the hurt that she will undoubtedly receive from him. Harsh, I know but it's so obvious and most time we need to experience harsh.
Guest
Lurker
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Quote by Kornpopper
Hello Olivia, you have a great advice column so I would like your advice. Here's my situation: My Ex and I have remained great friends after we have parted ways mutually as we were not compatable as lovers but better friends. We keep in contact regularly and even go out to eat and catch up on each others lives or just hang out with each other. Well over a year ago she started seeing this guy and she said everything was great for the first few months. Then he moved out of town for a different job which is only a couple towns over and their relationship kind of fell apart after that. She told me she was done with him and she didn't see him for a couple of months, then she started to see him on and off again.

This has been going on now for almost a year. This guy comes around when he wants to and doesn't want to go out in public where they might be seen or do anything with her other then just have sex with her. They have gotten into fights and she has told me she is done with him but she always goes back to him. The advice I have been giving her is to leave the relationship all together and cut ties with him. She says she has true feelings for him and can't let him go, yet she continues to have sex with him when he comes around and believes that he will change. They are both in their early twenties. Am I wrong at seeing that she is getting played? Am I over reacting and giving her the wrong advice?

Thank You
Kornpopper


If this lady was a good friend of yours who you never had feelings for and had never slept with then this situation would be something you could talk to her openly about over a glass of wine and a giggle......

But it's not, is it.........?

The subtext of your concern hints at the fact that you still have feelings for her, and that's maybe the real root of your concern in this matter......

Maybe some of the Ladies here could tell you how to get on with that.....

(I've been in EXACTLY this situation...... I just forced myself to stop seeing her.......... And that hurt....... But my refusing to be 'just a friend' ended up making her respect me more......)

xx SF
xx S
blazestcyr
Active Ink Slinger
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been the girl in this story

he has another chick who he is showing around town, then dropping in on her to do the freaky deaky

she is merely the"f++k" buddy

tell her to grow a set and kick him to the curb

is she not worth a full time i want to do you all the time guy?