Monday at work passed quickly as my mind was elsewhere, thinking about Sarah and Clare and trying to find a way. I had already realised that tonight there was one piece of information that I needed from Clare and it came in a form of a question…
Was there any future for me and Clare?
Things are always different when you get home from holidays and when you are back into your routine. I desperately needed to know where I stood with Clare. If I knew this, I would have a better idea of what to say to Sarah. That is if I said anything to her at all about Clare and Majorca.
The events of last night had got me thinking, seriously thinking. I now realised that I was not ready to give up on Sarah, whatever Clare might say. There was something new I saw in Sarah, something that I had never seen before. It was a peek at her inner self. That playful girl that was waiting to escape the shackles of her recent past and there was something else…
I now realised that I also had strong feelings for Sarah, it was a new emotion, and one I only just realised existed and I was still trying to understand where it came from.
Could it be from the heart?
Before leaving work I gave Sarah a phone call. I dialled with more confidence than I should have had but I knew this call was important. I needed to stay connected to her.
We had some small talk and then she unexpectedly said, “Have fun tonight.”
My stomach churned, and butterflies fluttered.
Those strong newly discovered feelings I had for Sarah were with me again, choking my very words.
I wanted to say, “I am just catching up with an old friend,” but my mouth was dry. I suddenly found I could not lie to her. I didn’t want to. I just didn’t know how to answer.
I went quiet.
Whatever happened tonight I didn’t want to lose Sarah. I needed my Sarah. The flood of emotions was now bubbling through me and everyone was saying, “Do not be a fool, do not lose Sarah.”
“Stay warm for me,” I joked after a few seconds. I was trying to mask what I was feeling.
Sarah giggled, “I will.”
“I see you tomorrow,” I said with a kiss, as we finished our call.
There were no questions about Clare and that got me a little worried. It felt like Sarah knew that Clare was more than a casual old friend and I knew whatever happened tonight, tomorrow Sarah would need to be told all, maybe even Majorca.
I then asked myself the very question that had been on my mind since my return.
Was I in love with Sarah?
*****
I then left work right on time to see Clare. It is a good thirty-minute drive from my workplace and I knew I would be a little late. So it was no surprise when I pulled up outside her parents, semi-detached house five minutes behind our agreed time.
On seeing a car pull up, Clare came straight out and checked it was me before hurrying over and climbing in. She was dressed in tight blue stretch skinny jeans that gripped her legs and bottom. On top, she wore a cut-off yellow blouse and a blue denim jacket which she took off as she got in the car.
As her long shapely legs slid in I noticed she also was wearing blue stiletto shoes with a three or four-inch heel. She also carried with her a small yellow handbag that matched her blouse and she looked beautiful. I on the other hand was still dressed in my work clothes.
“Hi,” we both said before I added. “You look stunning Clare.”
It was a comment which made her smile.
I may not have been the best at relationships but I knew enough to know all women like to be told they look beautiful but Clare really did. Like Sarah, to me, she was drop-dead gorgeous.
“We better get going,” a smiling Clare replied. “As my parents are due home any minute and if they see you. I am only going to get more questions. I had enough yesterday after your phone call.”
I pulled away.
“Is that a problem?” I asked. “With you being seen with me?”
Clare did not answer me for a short while, as we drove into the forest and the countryside but then she said quietly…
“You know I have a boyfriend.”
I decided to leave it at that, we could talk about him later.
“Have you eaten? It is my treat.”
Neither of us had so I drove through the large forest to be nearer to where I lived and pulled up a small county pub called “The Woodsman.” It was situated no more than five miles from my parent’s house, well away from Clare’s. It was the sort of place tourists go but we were early and Monday always tends to be a quiet day. So we had no issues in getting a nice corner table for two in the eating area.
During the journey, we started to talk and get to know one another. Though we deliberated seemed to skirt around the elephant in the room, Clare’s boyfriend. We confirmed our ages; Clare was eighteen and I was twenty-two. We both had birthdays coming up, September and November respectively, and we were both the oldest sibling.
Clare was not just easy to get into bed. She was easy to talk to. She listened and had that knack for saying or responding in the right way and it gave me confidence, the same level of confidence that had taken me weeks to get to with Sarah.
We learned a lot about each other and realised we had many common interests but there was one issue that Clare was having. That was whether to carry on at college or not. She just completed her second year but had failed chemistry, one of the three subjects she was taking. Clare had wanted to do science and work in a laboratory somewhere but realised whilst in her second college year that perhaps this was not the correct career choice for her.
Clare currently had a good part-time job in one of the local factories and had just been offered a full-time position but only if she did not go back to college. Yes, it was good money for an eighteen-year-old but there were few prospects for the future.
I was surprised but Clare asked me for some career advice but there was a question I needed to ask first. “What career do you see yourself doing in the future?”
She thought for a minute and said, “Maybe accountancy. That is what my career advisor said I should consider and the more I think about it, the more I kind of like it. Even if everyone I know would then find me boring.”
I chuckled; no one would ever find Clare boring. She had that gift, that charm, to be able to entertain and not just men. There was something about Clare, that aura, which at that moment I just couldn’t explain, though I knew she had already charmed me.
“Do you need more qualifications to do this career?” I asked as I had no idea.
Clare paused before answering.
“I know I should sign on to do another year of college. It’s just I feel I have done enough school time and I want to do something else other than studying.”
I smiled. I knew that feeling and I then went on to point out to her that I only just finished my “school time” the year before and with that, the conversation moved on.
I was not too sure if Clare had taken in anything I had said, but it had been nice to be asked my opinion on something so important to Clare.
At the “Woodsman” pub, I asked Clare what she wanted to drink thinking she might want a glass of wine or a half-pint of lager, as girls did back then but no, Clare went for a pint of dry cider. I smiled, that meant fewer trips to the bar.
Sarah had only recently changed from drinking halves. It was a change made with my full encouragement. I know this is a very small thing in our story but the fact that Clare was bold and just ordered a pint was an additional attraction to me.
We ordered our meals and as we eat, our conversation just flowed. Though, my mind kept flickering between Clare’s boyfriend and then us. I knew I needed to bring him up soon and ask that question.
I explained about my job, how I got it and a little about my upbringing but I did not want to get too heavy. Clare was similar; we kept skirting around the main subject; our other halves and that question.
Was there a future for us?
I knew I needed to know something before the end of the evening. I had Sarah to think about. As it was, I knew I would be lucky if I kept her, once she knew I cheated with Clare.
After the meals, which I paid for, Clare insisted on buying the next round of drinks and we moved to the main pub area and found a nice sofa seat to sit on. We still had some privacy.
“You know I consider this a date," I said to Clare. It was my way of moving the conversation on and in the right direction. It was obvious to me that there was strong chemistry between us but I also felt a little anxious. I really was not too sure what she would say.
“I know you do,” is all Clare said in reply but she did lean across and put her hand on my thigh. It was the first intimate contact we had had all evening and it gave me all the encouragement I needed. But, despite thinking about this all day I was still not sure what to say to Clare.
“I know you can feel that we are attracted to each other...” I stopped and looked closely at Clare. I was trying to judge her reaction. I was desperate for a positive reaction; to say the right thing but her look was hard to understand and read.
“I want to be with you, your boyfriend, not just a two-night stand.”
I thought, there I said it. I had pushed Sarah to one side, not really knowing if I was getting across my feelings to Clare.
What I did know was it was now or never; to take that step in getting Clare to start to open up and express her feelings for me. There was something there, something more than good sex. I needed to push on and get it all out there and as I spoke I felt that I was a little out of control of my emotions.
“As you know I have a girlfriend, Sarah. She’s eighteen and we've been together for nearly six months...” I then went on to explain how I met Sarah and a little about her and our life together. I then ended by saying... “I do like Sarah and being with her has been good but I do not know how serious we are. I guess we are getting towards a decision time but she is the first long-term relationship I had and I am still trying to understand what I have with her.”
All the time that I had been speaking, I had been looking at Clare, taking in her and trying to judge her reaction, but failing. Clare was good at keeping a poker face.
I then carried on talking and I was not too sure I was even making any sense.
“For some reason, it's you Clare that I want to be with and I hope you feel the same way. I also know you have a boyfriend,” as I said these words my insides were all over the place. There were butterflies and a churning stomach. I was not sure what I wanted or if what I had just said was completely true.
Did I want to lose Sarah?
The answer was a firm no, but I knew I desired Clare.
So I continued...
“But you have not told me anything about him. Not even his name. I thought it might not be that serious, as you and I got together but I need to know where I stand, even if it is just for Sarah’s sake. I am not too sure what to say to her.”
I knew this conversation was a little heavy for a first date but I desperately needed to know where we stood, especially now I was beginning to understand I had strong feelings for Sarah.
Clare looked back at me. She smiled a little then looked down towards her drink before returning her eyes up to mine.
“It is complicated,” then she added after a short pause.
“My boyfriend’s name is Alan and he is now twenty-six, so a little older than us. I met him when I was seventeen and working in a shop. He came in several times and eventually asked me out. He had a car and a flat, he just swept me away and I went with it. If you asked me a year ago I would have said that I loved him but things change...”
Clare paused. It was obvious that she was thinking carefully about what to say; if anything.
“I'm not sure if I should say more but you're right; I am attracted to you. Every time I look at you. Even that first time back on the beach…”
Clare paused and looked at me.
“Every time I look at you I see a twinkle in your eyes.”
I could not help smiling on hearing that, “A twinkle in my eyes,” that was a first for me.
But those five little words seemed to evaporate any tension within me, my stomachs butterflies fluttered away. At that moment I was glowing inside with joy and happiness. There was hope for me and Clare.
Clare continued. “I have said to myself that if I have another relationship with a man then there must be no secrets as secrets eat into your soul.”
I wasn’t sure what she was talking about but I knew what she meant. I knew a large bite had been taken out of my soul for not coming clean with Sarah last night.
“So there's hope for us to become a couple,” I carefully asked.
“Yes, but please do not give up Sarah. As I said it is complicated, I need to tell you more and it is deeply private what I going to say, only Jaz and her boyfriend Rob know.”
I nodded and then re-enforced my answer with an, “Okay.” I also noted what Clare was going to say, not even her boyfriend Alan knew.
“Last December I went to a Christmas party at a local pub. I went with Jaz and a couple of other friends. No boyfriends. Well, I got a little drunk and late in the evening, I found myself getting chatted up by an older man, a lot older man as he was in his forties. I also knew he was married though he did not say.”
Clare stopped and took her eyes away from her pint glass and looked at me. It was so as so she was thinking about carrying on...
“Go on,” I said, I am listening.
“The drink sort of brought my guard down a little and I was getting horny but what turned me on was his name was John. That is the same name as my dad’s and it sort of drew me to him. Until then I never had daddy fantasies but I was caught at a weak moment. I just wanted him to fuck me, boyfriend or no boyfriend.”