I’m paralysed by it, my lips try to quiver but your fingers hush them.
You pull me close to you and wrap yourself around me, enveloping me with desire yet there’s a distance between us.
My eyes are closed now and I’m somewhere else, somewhere that isn’t here with you.
Where I am, is unimportant, I’ve never been to this place before, I’ve never used somebody the way I’m using you.
You apply gentle kisses, they aren’t obligatory ones they’re real kisses, the kind I remember from once upon a time.
All I can give you are mock kisses and a smile that says “Thank you, thank you for needing me.”
I always dreamed of moments like this, but I never dreamt about you.
Your touches are arousing me, I’m only human after all and as your fingers find my wetness I gasp with my physical need.
My legs open of their own accord as I offer a small part of myself to you selfishly. I don’t reach out to seek your hardness, I don’t care that much.
Your fingers delve into my depths and I welcome them, the slick sounds I make inviting you further.
“Yes”
I simply utter in encouragement as you work on me, in and out you go, faster and harder each time as my moans, desperate in tone, beg you for more without dignity.
You alternate your attention between my swelling clit and the warmth of my sopping hole, I fantasise in my head about a different person, a different scenario as my orgasm sweeps over me and I cling to you, cling to the pleasure until it fades and I’m left with the sinking feeling of shame.
When my body stops convulsing you pull me close to you and kiss me, it’s a closeness I’ve yearned for, but I don’t yearn for you.
For my part in this I close my eyes and smile, again it’s a thank you for needing me.
You’re between my legs now and there’s no hesitation as your deliciously welcome cock enters my sopping playground. I moan under your weight as you thrust into me, and I raise my hips up to greet you.
I’m wild beneath you as I knead my own breasts and cry out to you to give me everything you have.
“Give it to me, please”
I beg and you try, but you can’t give me everything because you don’t know of it.
I writhe under you, my reactions please you, deceive you, because you’ve never seen me when I’m in bed with somebody I desire with my whole being.
Your mouth is tight on my nipple you suck them hard and “without desire it hurts me” but I won’t stop you.
“Kiss me”
You say and I sink a little bit further as I realise how bad a job I am doing of pretending, but I never wanted to pretend don’t you see that I’m not a pretender.
I kiss you and it’s no effort but it’s not the sort of kiss that stories are made of.
My lips turn up at the sides as I smile but my eyes aren’t smiling, my pulse isn’t racing and my heart isn’t yearning.
I’m certain you’re enjoying this though we’re in different worlds, and in just a few more thrusts you’re filling me with copious amounts of your seed and I’m weary now with the emotions that are missing,
I turn my back on you slowly as you hold me close to you and plant more of those kisses on my neck I murmur mock sounds of contentment and go to sleep.
On waking I find that you’re gazing at me.