Once in a while, you're presented with a Gordian Knot of a problem that just can't be unpicked even by my slender, delightfully proportioned and perfectly manicured fingers. Problems where Alexander's solution of taking an exceedingly sharp blade to all those concerned may be the best way forward. But I don't normally approve of beheadings so I wracked my brain for an alternative and "eureka"... "What if I get the assorte...

I know I make this Agony Aunt thing look easy but it isn't. Basically you have to be truly incredible, sort of like Grace Kelly, Marilyn Monroe and Audrey Hepburn all rolled into one, with maybe just a dollop of Audrey Tatou on the side just for good measure. What you can't do is let your inner Joan Crawford or Judy Garland out. People don't like that. No they don't.  You have to be 'totes amazeballs'. Kind, sensitive, wi...

Dear so called fucking CumGirl bitch I'm furious. Fuming. Livid. I've just spent the last three hours with my wand massager pressed hard against my angry clit in the hope that it will calm me down enough to be able to write and tell you what a fucking disgrace you are.  I hate you. How could you? That poor girl recommending that she spends the rest of her life as some form of bimbo slave slut for the patriarchy. How would...

Unfortunately there has been some harrumphing and possibly a bit of a kerfuffle at the use of the word 'saddo' in the first 'Dear Cum'. I do understand that this is inflammatory language of a derogatory nature and that people might have felt offended. However it was the considered opinion of my lawyers, Bladdercock & Crapper, so I did write to them seeking clarification. Their reply:   Dear Ms Cum You are a saddo. Everyon...

Ever since I've been visiting Lushland, I've been inundated on a daily basis with heart-wrenching private messages seeking my advice. Now I have enough problems of my own without having to pay attention to other people's and I have no idea why they would consider me to be some form of sage. But write they do. A little while back, I decided I might publish some of these messages and my responses for the greater edification...

Lockdown hair, hairdresser neglected, touseled and freed to pursue its own destiny. Arched eyebrows, tweezer plucked into submission, shocked by the inevitable. Almond eyes, narrowed and sightless, all pupil, iris a mere halo of dopamine delight whilst mascara flecks scatter themselves across my lower eyelid. Wrinkles and crinkles in delta patterns etched across my skin, testimony to all the orgasms, all the laughter, all...

"I think I'm going a bit mad."  "We're all going a bit mad, sweetie."  Now I've never been a happy recipient of pet names or even inappropriate chumminess. 'Luv', 'babe', 'dearie', or even 'you guys' is likely to cause me to bristle like an over-amorous porcupine. Admittedly, at home, I might be 'honeybun' or 'dinkums' or 'sweet cheeks' or 'sugar lips' or even 'dreamy dripping cunt bitch I'm going to skewer on my cockhead...

Don't offer me glamour. Don't gift me fake real. No cheerleaders or drug dealers, no crop tops and high heels, no beginner's guide to BDSM in a simple ABC. No sorority sluts and their slumber party sex, no handymen visits to frustrated housewives, no hotel bar hook ups, no stepbrothers or stepsisters, no teenage nubiles seeking well-aged cock. No aunties and adolescents, no Daddies, no Mommies, no strip poker nights with...

Writing these is easy peasy With just a squirt of lemon squeezy.  Another bit of doggerel verse With the occasional word perverse.    Now what shall be our theme today? Something jolie and light, something gay.  Now I love a man in a uniform Since his visit to our all girl dorm.    Offered up as entertainment.  Paid for, purchased, bought and sent.  Come to solicit the gang of four,  That's Julie and Millie (the class who...

On Monday he did bring a rose,  A wretched floral stink,  Emerald leaves, a thorny stem And horrid petals pink.    "Please marry me" he did proclaim,  He really made a scene.  With shuttered eyes and turn-ed cheek  My response was quite serene.    Chocolate kisses, a symbol of love.  I really felt upset.  Is there no peace from all this fuss,  Just allow me to forget.    A teddy bear he proffered next.  What a silly thing...

Memorabilia memorials in a battered box Fragments of near forgotten time Dog eared photos finger stroked Badge pins speckled with rust Fool's Gold found in a silver disc Estuary wails in a Country House Snogging tongues beneath sodium lights Trembling sodden under drizzle skies A love bite necklace gracing flesh Displayed in a delerium of coupledom   Yet I wait and dwell and twitch Knit one, pearl one, drop a stitch Doubl...

  Monday 08.36The weight of history hangs heavy here. Time stuttering to a standstill as stagnant as the waters of the tributary canals. Amongst the ennui I have fallen prey to a deadly sin. Lust clutching me to its heaving bosom, prickling at my flesh, skewering my sopping cunt with its talons as I squirm endlessly about their dragging tips. I want to sigh, to gasp, to moan out the air burdening my lungs but all I could...

Melissa dragged the scope from between her clinging clam lips. Born anew; lustful tears gushing from her abused sex; it arose glistening into the light. A penile projection of black plastic-coated metal, her lover, the pleasure provider. Its surface slick with her cream, fingers glittering pearlescent as they clung to its slippery mass.  Upwards it travelled; away from the hips that still thrust ineffectual at nothingness...

I despise beautiful women.Okay, maybe that is a teensy bit of an overstatement but I wanted to grab your attention and if I'd written 'I have problems developing and maintaining friendships with beautiful women' then, well, I can feel the collective yawn from here. So now that I do have your attention, perhaps you'd be happy enough to wander along this path a little further with me. I do promise that by the end there will...

Sean or Shaun? To be completely honest I have no idea. I've only heard his name spoken and try as I might I can't distinguish the difference between the 'ea' and 'hau' sounds. I've decided to go with Sean to save on letters, their supply isn't inexhaustible after all, and I'm a bit worried about running out of u's. I'd look a bit of a fool if we got to the end of the story and I found myself reduced to writing 'cm' and 'f...