"So you can't write dialogue." "Nope. Not at all. Rubbish at it." "Are you sure that it's can't and not don't?"  "Can't, don't. Six of one and half a dozen of the other. The stories are all me, me, me. No dialogue because there's rarely a second character. So, nobody to dialogue with."  "That sounds more like don't than can't to me."  "Maybe, but even when I do get a chance of some dialogue I usually find a way around it....

12 May 2021 11 May 2021 Not every day as a compromised adult can be a pleasure and I awoke to discover that overnight my pokie, pleasure teatlets had become stingy, firelit beacons atop my perky, hills of bountifulness, and the gorgeous enticement of my wiggly buttocks now resembled Kata Tjuta or Uluru bathed in morning sunlight (that's Ayers Rock for any unreconstituted, colonial, imperialist, types still clinging onto a...

11 May 2021 10 May 2021 In all my years as a sullen, mood-swingy, hormonal, pubescent I had never had to visit the Headmaster's Office so I didn't know whether to be excited or anxious. But I'm a perky, pokie, positive, post-pubescent in search of adventures and not someone who looks gift horses in their mouths. Besides I'm a consumer adult now, so I sashayed my way along the school corridors in my absolutely stunning, co...

  10 May 2021 Last night was the worstest night's sleep ever. No sooner had I burrowed my head down into the pillows and squirmed happily to make myself a cosy nest beneath the bedding than the remote control, vibrating, princess plug started buzzing in my bottom. Well, at first I thought it was broken and would soon stop, but on and on it went, buzzing and pulsing and throbbing and quivering in my tight, spasmy, anal pas...

9 May 2021 When eventually, I got home from visiting Candy and her Mumsy I had such a shock that it felt as if my whole world as a consanguinity adult had tumbled down a rabbit hole and that I was just another guest at The Mad Hatter's Tea Party. A super yummy, bouncy, sodden-cunted, perky, pokie guest, but a guest nonetheless. So what had caused me to be such a flummoxed, flustered and flippy-flopped bundle of post-pubes...

8 May 2021 Oh, diary where should I begin? I woke to find everything as normal as can be, by which I mean the 'new normal', the normal everyday world of a newly constitutional adult. My teen-angel breasts were resplendent in the morning light, so yummily perky and their nipples so impressively pokie, that before I knew what was happening my mischievous fingers were caressing and tugging and pinching and massaging them eve...

  Welcome to my A to Zee,  A sinning tale of poetry.  These poets and these poetesses Revealed in all their sex excesses.  So now you know, let us begin To wallow in their endless sin,  Rakes and harlots, the odd tart.  Enough, it's time, let's make a start.    Arnold, Matthew was a cunt A self-indulgent, obnoxious runt Who'd rim your arse for twenty pee Bollock laps thrown in for free.    Browning, Liz enjoyed the pole P...

7 May 2021 My name is April Fool and this is my diary. Today was my sixteenth birthday. What a bizarre and strange day it's been. I'm totally weirded out by the whole thing even if it has been the bestest day ever.  Last night when I went to sleep mine was a normal life. A single child with loving parents, my mind filled with everyday teenage concerns: Is that a spot or blemish on my chin? What's the best concealer? Why i...

Following the incomparable commercial and critical success of 'Dear Cum - The Fools' I have been inundated with letters requesting that I publish the complete April Fool letter. Who would have thought that the adventures of a virgin, perky, pokie, bouncy, sixteen-year-old debutante would be quite so popular? And everyone seemed very excited about that family-favourite game, 'insects', that she was going to be playing. So...

  1 April 2021   Ms Cum Girl Cum Cottage Lower Snatch Dripping Cunnyshire   Dear Ms Cum It has been brought to our attention here at 'The Daily Heil Publishing Corporation' that the saddo website you're so fond of frequenting is hosting an international competition, and that as a saddo of minor repute and standing we expect you to fly the flag for this Sceptred Isle.  All of us here at 'The Daily Heil Publishing Corporati...

I thought we were quite done with these, but it seems that my publishers, 'The Daily Heil Publications Corporation', have a different opinion. We batted it back and forth for a few days without reaching much of a conclusion so they sent a couple of their brown-shirted and heavy-booted 'representatives' around to pay me a visit. Well, after a completely unjustifiable trampling of my hyacinths and the crystal clear implicat...

There is little I enjoy more of an evening than grabbing a seductive bottle of Tempranillo or Malbec, and with that in one hand and an over-large wine glass in the other, I tiptoe my way up creaking stairs to the sanctuary of my bedroom. Kicking off my heels I curl myself up in my Lloyd Loom chair and settle in as dusk's purple hues weave and merge amongst the gathering gloom. Settled and content, I survey the smattering...

Every once in a while I receive a letter from some deluded fool who fails to understand that this is a porn site and that all anyone is interested in is the before, during and after of exchanging seminal fluids. Saddos with real problems. Though when I say real problems what I don't mean is scraping together a life in bombed-out Aleppo or hunting for food in Yemen or even trying to navigate your way across South London as...

So that's what hate mail looks like. Another one to tick off my bucket list. To be honest I'm fairly certain that many of the kind suggestions I've received are physical impossibilities and I probably ought to clarify that I don't live in a zoo. Additionally I have checked with Mum regarding the accusation that I am the bastard offspring of Eva Braun and Lucretia Borgia and she assures me that she's never been to either B...

When I was smaller than my current five foot and maybe one inch I used to have an eagle-eyed Sindy doll. If I remember correctly, which is very unlikely, she'd gouged her eagle-eyes from a Special Boat Service Action Man (GI Joe) that she'd been carrying on with on the side. Now most Sindys were middle class housewives in waiting but not mine. Oh no. Mine was a white trash council house gold digger who with her eagle-eyes...