What, I've got to do another one? Is there no end to this unmitigated shitfest of hormonally imbalanced, self-pitying, tripe? You do know I've got a red carpet event tonight, don't you? Yes, of course it's an everyday occurrence what with being the world's premier agony aunt, but I've got to pop down to Hegleby Master Butchers for some thinly sliced, unsmoked bacon. Now, I'm not one to complain but that's one of the probl...

So it seems that some of the big swinging dickheads down at Head Office have been getting their knickers in a twist at the lack of penetration in the eighteen to twenty-four demographic, which they'd know was bugger-shite if they spent as much time in their local park as I do because there's plenty of penetrating going on down there I can tell you. And some smegma-breathed, cunt-bitch (and yes, I am looking at you Janine)...

16 May 2021 Now, one of the things I've discovered about Pavlova Training is that you lose all sense of spacey-time. The last thing I remembered was running the tip of my tongue up the cum dripping meringue bite that Queeny Bitch was holding before my stingy-bee lips. So, I was a bit of a befuddled, teen-angel of compliant behaviourism when I awoke to find myself back in my own bed with the sun shining to announce a new d...

Now I don't know about you, but this global pandemic thingy has had a bit of a negative effect on my cash flow situation. Obviously, I've still got the blow job business which I've recently rebranded as 'Suck Jobs' with the fantastic new tagline 'swap seminal fluids not particulates', but at twenty quid a mouthful that's barely keeping me in lipstick and hosiery. So I've had to seek out new remunerative opportunities and...

She'd found the orgies a disappointment. Not at first, of course, at first, she'd been overwhelmed by the debauchery on display before her headset-clad eyes. Certainly, they were everything that the message boards and pop-up adverts had promised. A pit, she could think of no better word, filled with taut, tanned flesh entwined in every conceivable combination of sexual possibilities.  The bodies themselves rippled with pe...

Wriggling her buttocks, legs curled beneath, she pulled the headset over her eyes feeling its firm embrace about her head. Fingers flickering over the familiar set-up options, she quickly arrived at her avatar's appearance. She adjusted her age, not quite her actual years because experience had taught her that age was more than just a number in The Hub. But then, what is a decade here or there between playmates? She slimm...

15 May 2021 My head was a fuzzy-wuzzy, spinning blur of supernova rockets and explosions all weekend and even though I've tried really, really hard I can't remember anything that happened once Candy's dandy and Candy's Mumsy's 'it's a surprise' strap-on dildo started rubbing their heads together inside my twin holes of pleasure-giving. Later, when Mumsy came round to take me home, I was a crumpled, broken ballerina slumpe...

  14 May 2021 13 May 2021 Not since the morning of my birthday have I been quite so flustered and flummoxed. What you might ask had left perky, pokie, sodden-cunted me so bothered and bewildered? Well, when I finished my diary yesterday my fingertips were already tipping and tapping their way across the smooth runway of my public mound in a teasing dance of moan-inducing temptation, and the organisms were quivering beneat...

"I've got one."  "Sssshhhh."  "But..."  "What have I said about when I'm reading?"  "I'm not to disturb you when you're reading."  "What am I doing?"  "You're reading, but..."  "Look, how many times do I have to tell you that I really don't care about your puerile computer game adventures. I don't care about winged sandals, poisoned or unpoisoned chalices, and I certainly don't care about grails holy, knots gordian or swo...

13 May 2021 12 May 2021 I was so super-doopery excited last night that I could barely sleep. Not only was I a plugged princess and a conquesting adult, but tomorrow I was to start my journey from perky, pokie, sodden-cunted, schoolgirl to a future life as a worker bee receiving money for servicings rendered. For tomorrow was Careers Advice Day and I had a morning appointment with the Career Advisor, Mr Jobsworth. What wou...

This morning I popped down to Pret a Manger to meet up with my good friend Albert Einstein for a slice of red velvet cake with a vanilla butter-icing topping and a medium cappuccino on the side. "Albert Einstein," I hear you say in a somewhat incredulous tone. Yes, Albert Einstein! THE Albert Einstein. I gave you all a perfect opportunity to invite me out for a yummy little Pret-fest back in Dr Flappyduck, but did any of...

"Then you stuff them up your froufrou." *laughter* "Marcia Davenport swears by Fairy Liquid. Squirt a little on your fingers. Original or Lemon Zest is best. Work it into a lather. Let it coat your fingers, tip to knuckle. Enjoy the sensation of all that slick slime running across your digits. Work it into a light froth, until your painted nails appear like shrouded rising suns peeking through a gauzy, cloud flecked sky....

"No, I'm not doing it."  "But dinkums."  "I'm not doing any more."  "Sweety-pie."  "Don't you dinkums and sweety-pie me, I've said 'No' and I mean it." "What's the matter? Didn't you enjoy yourself? You did get a nice Georgie Eliot helping hand and you definitely seemed to get into the Orpheus and Eurydice storyline. Wasn't that fun?"  "Do the words 'pathetic lyre-playing dickwad jerking on his cocklet' ring a bell?" "Oh...

WARNING: This 'Dear Cum' contains non-sexualised references and descriptions of vaginas. We appreciate this is unsettling and unnatural. Be assured that this is just a brief forray into the world of Medical Science. Vaginas are, of course, nectar oozing flowers of femininity to be worshipped, adored, ravaged, and abused. Their primary purpose remains that of cum receptacle.    'Performance' and 'review' are two words that...

"So we're going to do another one." "We are, you seem quite perky at the prospect." "I got a George Eliot special hand job last time so of course I'm perky. What's this one going to be?" "We're going to do a little bit of Greek Mythology for the Fantasy and Sci-fi category." "You're taking this Omnium thingy seriously then?" "Indeed I am." "So what's the story, morning glory?" "We're going to do Orpheus rescuing Eurydice...