I have A Room With A View though this is no Merchant Ivory production; no Helena Bonham-Carter, no Daniel Day-Lewis, neither Judi Dench nor Maggie Smith, not even Denholm Elliott or Julian Sands. No, mine is far more Hitchcockian, more Rear Window with me as both Jimmy Stewart and Grace Kelly; all cocktail dresses, taffeta and décolletage and an itch that I never seem quite able to scratch.I am a curtain twitcher. A busy...

I despise beautiful women.Okay, maybe that is a teensy bit of an overstatement but I wanted to grab your attention and if I'd written 'I have problems developing and maintaining friendships with beautiful women' then, well, I can feel the collective yawn from here. So now that I do have your attention, perhaps you'd be happy enough to wander along this path a little further with me. I do promise that by the end there will...

Sean or Shaun? To be completely honest I have no idea. I've only heard his name spoken and try as I might I can't distinguish the difference between the 'ea' and 'hau' sounds. I've decided to go with Sean to save on letters, their supply isn't inexhaustible after all, and I'm a bit worried about running out of u's. I'd look a bit of a fool if we got to the end of the story and I found myself reduced to writing 'cm' and 'f...

Melissa dragged the scope from between her clinging clam lips. Born anew; lustful tears gushing from her abused sex; it arose glistening into the light. A penile projection of black plastic-coated metal, her lover, the pleasure provider. Its surface slick with her cream, fingers glittering pearlescent as they clung to its slippery mass.  Upwards it travelled; away from the hips that still thrust ineffectual at nothingness...

"I think I'm going a bit mad."  "We're all going a bit mad, sweetie."  Now I've never been a happy recipient of pet names or even inappropriate chumminess. 'Luv', 'babe', 'dearie', or even 'you guys' is likely to cause me to bristle like an over-amorous porcupine. Admittedly, at home, I might be 'honeybun' or 'dinkums' or 'sweet cheeks' or 'sugar lips' or even 'dreamy dripping cunt bitch I'm going to skewer on my cockhead...

There is little I enjoy more of an evening than grabbing a seductive bottle of Tempranillo or Malbec, and with that in one hand and an over-large wine glass in the other, I tiptoe my way up creaking stairs to the sanctuary of my bedroom. Kicking off my heels I curl myself up in my Lloyd Loom chair and settle in as dusk's purple hues weave and merge amongst the gathering gloom. Settled and content, I survey the smattering...