Long story made short... the wife and I had a mmf. Before hand the ground rules were set up that I had to be present/aware if at any time after they were going get together. And I was to be told of any messages, texts, or calls. I later find out my wife has deleted many texts and set up a rendezvous with him while I was out of town. "She forgot to delete a message to one of her girlfriends" she said that the talked about doing it but didn't. And says that they never did it when I wasn't there... how can I believe her. It has been 2 years now and I still don't completely trust her... Can I really ever trust her again? She says that she is different now and will never risk "us" again, but is still friends with him even though I wanted her to break all contact when I found out. Am I asking to be hurt again?
Yes, we already knew him. As far as the who suggested. One day the wife asked me " know what I've been thinking about" and I very jokingly said swapping. And surprisingly she said she was game. I was very surprised. She brought up a couple we knew "J" & "T". Both our age kids etc. I found "T" very attractive. My wife brought it up to "J". They had tried before but the guy had too much to drink and could not get it up so "T" did not want to try again. I kind of got guilt tripped by my wife into the mmf.
I dont think so.. Cheating is a deal breaker for me. I would much rather my partner come to me and let me know that he is interested in someone else rather than to find out that he had carrying on for an extended period of time, giving me false sense that all is well..Once that trust is broken, you wonder when ARE they telling the truth.. If you lied about your affair, how do I know you are not lying about loving me? I couldnt.
I can't speak for you and your wife. I do hope you can re-establish your trust and faith, but just speaking for myself, when I realize someone is not being honest with me, I can only bid them goodbye. I might still interact with them, but I would never be able to trust that person again. Add in the fact the issue in this case is based on their fidelity... no... I don't see myself being forgiving or trusting.
As much as I would like to think it will all be ok, I very much doubt it .
From my own personal experience my wife wasn't prepared to give up her lover and as a result I left the marriage ,knowing I could never trust her again.
not really u need some time but he or she deserves a chance to prove love for u . u cannot take fast decision in such maters but don't believe too much.......
Thank you all for the responses. It has been two and a half years, I still don't fully trust her. I hope that this will change, I keep waiting for her to try to do something, anything to make me able to believe and trust her. But all I see and hear from her is I should be over this by now.
no, you can't ... it's like a glass, once the trust is broken it can never be replaced ....
Here's a completely different opinion for you. She obviously loves you because she is with you not him. Think of how fantastic it would be if you both trusted each other enough to have a more open relationship so you both could explore you sexual fantasies together and sometimes with other people. What's good for the goose is good for the gander and swingers are some of the nicest people we have met. It's actually more fun when you're in a group situation with your spouse. You have to be able to view sex and love as too different things or it won't work. As long as you are suspicious and waiting for disaster, though you may have reason to be, it will eat away at you and drive you both apart. Some serious communication is needed between you two for sure to resolve anything. Good luck!
Bunny12
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Bunny Rabbits cute and fuzzy they want to love you but they have razor sharp teeth - don't piss them off! Everything is based on trust. If you do then believe her. If you don't then don't believe her.
This is something you have to decide yourself. You know her very well. Think about this very hard. Talk to her about it and be very honest with her. If she lies you will most likely see it if you pay attention to her mannerisms. No one can tell you exactly what to look for, just something not usual when certain questions get asked.
DO NOT start this with the preconceived notion that she MAY be lying. That sets you up for that to be true. Go in feeling that she's telling the truth and you'll get better results.
We went through something similar about 35 years ago and after I did what I explained I decided she was telling the truth. We're still together and I absolutely trust her.
I hope it works for both of you.
nooooo... once the commitment is broken.. it is broken... u can mend a broken glass but the break is always visible.. and u wonder always will the mend hold... u hope it will but u don't 100% trust it..
depends on you and your relationship. i can say no because i couldnt learn to trust my ex again...it was always in my mind. but my trust was never great with him before he cheated on me.
but im currently married to a great guy that i have tremendous trust with. and if he slipped or choose to cheat for whatever reasons i would probably cause i care for him that much.
so i guess in a short story it depends on the relationship. good luck hope things work out for you both
my newest :)
I don't think one ever knows this..depends on the people and if forgiveness is real..seems to me it would be a whole lot of hurt going on...
doing my best to be good..
I don't know if you can trust her again. I don't know if I could. But you guys are married, for better or worse, sickness and in health. But it might help if she does cut contact with this guy. They may be friends, but she is your wife. It's not to be controlling, but so you two can work on your marriage. 14 years is a lot to waste.
If you are willing to give this your best effort, go to couples counselling and work on your communication skills. You two are in love or else you wouldn't be together. But love is based on trust and the trust is broken. You can still fight to save this, but you two need to REALLY work at this!!!
Sorry< but she broke the rules and the trust! She showed her real intent when she did not break it off completely when you asked her too. Actions ALWAYS show more than words. I have been thru this myself and know the signs. If she had no intent on seeing him again she would have broke all communication with him. By her not doing so she has hopes of being with him again. Yes you are setting yourself up to be hurt again. If she really loves you and does not want to hurt you again she will stop when you ask her too.sdpjYfGfk1yRP6yV
I had a friend who was a psychologist and a state appointed hunter of wild animals that left the refuge of the mountains and came into town, or attacked a human or pet in the mountains.
If the wild animal came into town then it had to be killed, not captured and released further away.
He said once the animal lost it's natural fear of man it would return to hunt again.
He equated the same to people that cheated on their spouses.
Once they taste the forbidden they will keep going back unless they do something to change - such as therapy.
His advice was go for the therapy, but do understand both have to go through it together.
The cheater can go to therapy and find a way to not be a cheater.
But the one cheated on, unless they also went through therapy to get rid of their emotions/lack of trust/fears would never be happy again with another person.
Go for the couple therapy at least if it doesn't work out you'll be able to still get back to finding someone else.
I went through the therapy it helped, me a lot, she didn't change, but I left feeling better knowing it wasn't my fault and was able to move on.
I had a friend who was a psychologist and a state appointed hunter of wild animals that left the refuge of the mountains and came into town, or attacked a human or pet in the mountains.
If the wild animal came into town then it had to be killed, not captured and released further away.
He said once the animal lost it's natural fear of man it would return to hunt again.
He equated the same to people that cheated on their spouses.
Once they taste the forbidden they will keep going back unless they do something to change - such as therapy.
His advice was go for the therapy, but do understand both have to go through it together.
The cheater can go to therapy and find a way to not be a cheater.
But the one cheated on, unless they also went through therapy to get rid of their emotions/lack of trust/fears would never be happy again with another person.
Go for the couple therapy at least if it doesn't work out you'll be able to still get back to finding someone else.
I went through the therapy it helped me a lot - she didn't change, but I left feeling better knowing it wasn't my fault and was able to move on.
In my case that would be a no. If I love you, I love you forever until you break my trust and hurt me. I might forgive you, but the part you damaged when you broke my trust can never, ever fully heal. There is no amount of time that can pass, to fix those damaged pieces of our relationship.
Unfortunately this is not an uncommon aftermath of a threesome (I know from personal experience). It's another reason why threesomes are ideal when out of town or on vacation with someone you will never see or meet again. Proximity and familiarity can be tempting and unless the relationship is rock solid (and even then, it can be iffy), there is always the potential for someone to want to hook up again - one on one.
Psychologically it's almost like 'soft-cheating' - it's not like they're meeting someone new and betraying you. It's like a morality-stroker to just think ok - my S.O has already given me permission to fuck this person. I have fucked them already. It's not *that* different. Of course, we all know that it *is* different but that's just the way the mind will compute something when they want to do something wrong and not feel like a total shit about it.
Honestly - it really does depend on the nature of the text messages, but not sure you've seen more than just the one to the girlfriend. She could have backed out of a rendezvous at the last minute out of guilt (but no proof of that other than her word, so who knows) but I guess the point is - why was she entertaining it in the first place, right? I wouldn't be very trusting either. It's a tough spot to be in. At the same time, you sort of let her put her hand in the cookie jar... so the monogamy lines aren't as black and white as a couple that hasn't played like that. I guess it just depends on whether you think the relationship is worth working on. If it's going strong (good sex life, emotional life, connection etc), then give her the benefit of the doubt and give it a chance - but you'll probably want to let her know that cheating is a dealbreaker for you going forward (if it is, everyone is different).
Any one had an affair with a family member
Thanks again for those who've posted on this... We do talk, and have worked on our relationship. But on the same hand she has never been willing to break off all contact with him. I know it is a bit to ask since there is/was a friendship before. But I would like to think my feelings would weigh in more than a friendship. I guess what is meant by can you truly trust is does the nagging doubts go away? I honestly have tried to trust her. It is just when I hear her on the phone with him (she is not trying to hide/do anything wrong) I still feel my blood pressure go up (not in a good way). I haven't figured out how to make that not happen. I believe it is not as severe as it used to be, but it still causes tension and she can't figure out why I can't "let it go"... Honestly neither can I. She tells me it willm never happen again, I want to believe her. But I can't help looking over my shoulder... will this go away? Yes I am asking questions about my marriage to total strangers, but it kind of helps to just vent. Plus I figured the people on here are less judgmental. Who knows reading this may help someone else not make the same mistakes I did