“Hi Granny, s’OK, I suppose. You know that guy I was telling you about…”Alice twisted her feet together and wrung her hands behind her back in the way she always did when she was nervous. “Well, I’ve brought him back… since Mum’s not here. You said it’d be OK if…”
“For Christ’s sake, Alice Smith, stop being so wet. Bring him in, bring him in. Let me take a look at him.”
Alice retreated. “Stan?”
There was the sound of shuffling bodies maneuvering in the narrow hallway, of shoes being removed, words of reassurance and Alice reappeared dragging something reluctant closely behind her.
“Granny, this is Stan; Stan, this is Bryon – my Granny.”
Granny cast an eye over Alice’s prize. “Be a love and pop down to the chippy – get your old Gran a bag of chips.” Granny fumbled in her pockets and extracted a fifty-pound note. “And you can keep the change.” Alice’s mouth shaped seamlessly from one of outraged protest to join the rest of her body in obsequious supplication.
“Come-on, Stan. It won’t take long,” Alice said, snatching the note from Granny’s fingers.
“Stan’s staying here,” Granny said sharply. “Aren’t you Stan?”
It wasn’t a question and Alice gave him an apologetic look before fleeing from the room, clutching the enormous red note triumphantly. The sex could wait. Loud, asymmetrical clomping echoed from the laminate floor as Alice dug her feet into her slip-on shoes and scuffed her way down the hall. The house rattled as the front door slammed, leaving an empty malevolent pause.
“Hello ‘Stan’, or should I say Spawn-of-Satan, Master-of-Lies, Lord-of-Darkness, Devil-Incarnate, Author-of-all-Sin, Tempter, Wicked-One, Enemy-of-Righteousness…”
“Just ‘Stan’ is fine,” the Dark One interrupted.
“I was expecting you to pop by.”
“Really?”
“Well, it is the end of the world tonight. Can’t very well have the end of the world without the Destroyer-of-Souls now can we? Cup of tea?”
“Pardon?”
“Would you like a cup of tea?”
“Not really. I’m here to kill you.”
“Yes, yes. Thirsty work though, death. Sure I can’t interest you in a nice cuppa first?”
The Dark Lord glowered.
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“This isn’t a social call,” Stan said, through sharp, gritted teeth.
“Oh yes, right. Sorry. The death thing.”
“Namely yours.”
“Ah, yes. Nice body, by the way.”
“Thanks. I quite like it.” The Dark Lord gave a half turn. “Low mileage, only one previous owner. Not so careful of course, otherwise it wouldn’t have become… available.”
“Speeding?”
“What else? That little bit of evil engineering I managed to slip into the A666.” Stan went as misty-eyed as it was possible for something ‘born’ below to get. “That blind dip has proved to be a steady earner for our side – yours too… apparently the passenger earned a reprieve with his last words.”
“Really?”
“Evidently, they were ‘slow down for Christ’s sake you’re going to hit that fuc…’ Worked-out well for him that he didn’t get to finish that last word, otherwise he might have been joining us in the basement.”
“Speaking of which, I have a proposition,” Granny said, eyeing Stan with her one good eye. Stan recoiled, it was unsettling when Granny did that, even for a demon of hell. It looked like the eye might escape its socket at any moment. “You being such a horny devil and all might find it interesting.”
“Oh?”
“I’m offering you Alice.” The Dark One laughed out loud with the volume and suddenness of an overhead thunder-clap.
“Why would I accept one soul, when soon I can have them all?”
“I’m not offering you her soul. I’m not offering you her mind – although you’re more than welcome to what little there is of that. I’m offering you her body… to do with as you will.”
Granny paused to let Stan conjure-up a few choice actions. She watched as he carefully crossed his legs, instinctively hiding the growing erection, and took a sip from her glass.
An odd look took hold of Granny’s face, her eyes bulged and she made a horrible retching noise before spitting the contents back into the glass.
It took a few moments before Granny had fully regained her composure. She made a sour face before lowering her good eye towards the glass. The gelatinous, green-and-brown contents were steaming slightly.
“Sorry, that’s my phlegm glass. Maggie gets awful cross when she catches me spitting on the carpet.”
Granny reached under her blanket and extracted a bottle of 18-year-old Caol Ila. “I keep this bottle for emergencies,” she said, eyeing Stan, who looked horrified. She swirled the contents round, examined them carefully before popping the cork and downing the lot. She smacked her lips and gave a sigh of contentment.
“What kind of… emergencies? That… that wasn’t urine was it?” Stan asked, screwing-up his face and uncrossing his legs. Granny’s face looked thoughtful for a moment. She examined the bottle carefully, held it to her nose and inhaled deeply. A slightly puzzled frown disturbed her brow. Granny played her tongue experimentally around her mouth.
“No it was definitely whiskey.” Granny’s brain swam back into focus. Alice. The up-coming end of the world.
“There’s witch-blood in those veins, but not pure enough to cause problems in the bedroom, if you catch my drift.” Granny didn’t agree with this ‘talking-like-a-lady’ malarkey that Margaret insisted upon in ‘her’ house. Granny liked to call a spade a spade and then everyone knew what everyone else was talking about. Talking in riddles was so new-age. “Just imagine yourself fucking a witch. Your throbbing cock violating her in every imaginable way.”
Stan made a noise. It wasn’t a human noise. He re-crossed his legs. “I don’t know; I’ve got a very good imagination.”
“She’s a virgin but she’ll do it. She’ll do it all – for you. She’ll be yours, to have, to possess.”
Stan did some rearranging in the crotch department. After being stuck on Earth for over 6000 years, to have a virgin was one of the few remaining joys in his miserable existence.
“Oral?” he asked. Granny nodded.
“Of course. Vaginal and anal too. Those are just your basic holes,” Granny said, dismissively. “Any human can do that.” Somehow Granny spat the last word in a way which slapped Stan across the face… with a salmon. A whole frozen salmon.
“There’s more?” Stan asked, intrigued.
Granny gave Stan a withering look. “She is a witch, Stan. Not a very good witch. But a witch none-the-less.”
“What… what else do witches do then?” There was doubt in the question. Stan was suspicious, wary of being drawn into a trap. The only experience he’d had of witches was in the difficulty of killing them and making sure that they stayed dead. Shape-shifters were the worst. Stan hated shape-shifters, although his life in that regard had become much easier since the invention of the long-barrelled shotgun. Furry or feathery, it didn’t much-aid an escape from a barrel-full of hot lead. Head-hoppers were just as annoying but the collateral damage made them more fun than the shape-shifters as it was usually best to kill anyone within a ten-mile radius when you found a head-hopper, just to be sure.
Stan found his mood darkening at the memories. He’d forgotten just how much he hated witches. If Granny Smith was the last of the great witches, he should just get her killed now and then he could… apart from her granddaughter, apparently… which meant there was a generation missing. Margaret? Stan decided that he may as well wait until Alice came back with the bag of chips. Then he could kill them both and have something to eat before hunting down the other one.
Granny Smith is wrong on that score, he thought. Killing didn’t make Stan thirsty; it made him hungry.
“Well for a start…” Granny said, sensing the relaxation from DEFCON 1 to DEFCON 3. She leaned forward enthusiastically. “Actually, it’d be easier to show you.”
There was a tickling sensation in the front of Stan’s brain. Something akin to fingertips prodding and poking: searching. Something was invading Stan’s personal space. He didn’t know what it was but he knew who it was. Witchcraft.
Stan didn’t like it. He’d heard about witches getting into people’s heads and he’d seen witches head-hop just before he cut theirs off. Some called it ‘Headology’. He hadn’t realized that the phrase was so… descriptive. He tried to resist but the thing inside just grabbed him around the throat and held him against the inside of his skull as it continued to search. He needed to kill the bitch right this instant. But he found that he couldn’t move. Stan watched in horror as the thing flicked through what passed as his soul like a Filofax. It was exploring him, finding-out how he worked. Sensations came and went. Tastes, heat, cold.
Stan gasped as the tightest, hottest, wettest pussy he’d ever imagined slid down onto his cock. He could feel it pulsing, milking pleasure from his manhood. It made his claws curl. His eyeballs were still responsive and he looked down but there was nothing there. His trousers were still fastened, and he could see the impressive mound of his cock. It was twitching in response to the phantom pussy that was sliding up and down it. But other than that, there was nothing unusual about its appearance.
Then the world disappeared and was replaced by something weird and wonderful. The images flashed past so quickly that he couldn’t comprehend them. Occasionally they paused, like someone scanning through a free newspaper and finding a story they liked the look of. They were his fantasies. And other things even better than fantasies. Dreams. His wildest dreams. Forgotten dreams.
There was no sensation of time. But he was beginning to feel tired. Sick as well. His brain simply couldn’t cope with what was happening. His biological CPU was overheating. The quantity of information was too much. If whatever was happening to him didn’t stop soon, Stan had a feeling that his current body would be permanently damaged. He didn’t care about the body as such, although he had developed something of a soft-spot for it given that it had proved to be such a hit with pretty young women. They would do anything for him while he was in this body. Apparently it had more than a passing resemblance to a popular music star. Stan was prepared to put up with being called ‘Justin’ if the girls in question would let him bury his cock in their backsides for an hour or two.
Then the flickering stopped. It was that girl off the television: Lauren. The one who did the weather in the morning. Only she wasn’t doing the weather. She was naked, straddling his lap, feeding his cock into her pussy. It was really happening. Each and every one of his startled senses reported back the same confirmation. She was really there with him. Her soft naked body was pressing against his. There was a faint scent of citrus which got stronger as Stan pushed his face into the nape of her neck. His lips touched her skin and he tasted the sourness of her perfume… but also the soap residue from a hurried shower. There were no inconsistencies. He was fucking his favorite weather girl.
Oh My Fucking God. Stan shuddered as the sensation of an icy-flaming sword cleaved through his body. It was unacceptable for a devil to use the ultimate swear word: the ‘G’ word. “Sorry,” he thought, looking down. “Just ‘fuck’, OK?”
It was still real. Lauren was still there with him, murmuring sweet nothings about a ‘warm front moving in from the south’. Stan had no idea what a ‘warm front’ actually was but instinctively felt that he would enjoy one if he ever found one; especially if she was there to share it with him.
Her hair was falling down about her face. She was smiling, ‘wishing for everyone to have a great day, despite the weather’ and ‘to remember to take an umbrella’. Every word that came from those lips was utter sex to Stan. She was Happy (to hand back to the studio). Her tiny tits were just begging to be chewed. A Biting wind from the north, Stan thought in her voice. As if hearing the thought, Lauren offered one of her tits to his mouth and he bit the nipple. She gasped her approval, gripping his head with both hands. He pulled back, stretching the flesh of her breast. “Come for me.” It was a dirty demand and Stan simply couldn’t refuse.
“Oh Lauren,” he sighed, happily. Stan’s cock pulsed violently and he felt the warm wetness flood into his… underwear.
Stan’s world snapped back into the living room. Lauren was gone. Instead there was Granny gyrating her hips inappropriately. “It’s been a long time since I’ve released the spawn of the Devil.” Granny sighed while re-arranging the layers of clothing covering her crotch. Stan wished he could move; anything to avoid the sight which was currently being burnt into his memory. If only he could at least close his eyes. Was that a gusset? Or something much, much worse?
“I think I’ll have to change me knickers.” Granny scratched herself in a manner which will have the censors reaching for their scissors in the film adaptation of this story, and then had a further rummage elsewhere in her hosiery which produced a pipe and tobacco pouch. “Always fancy a nice big bowl of t’bacca after an orgasm,” Granny sighed as she extracted a generous pinch of Latakia. “You don’t mind if I smoke do you Stan. Silly question, really. You being from ‘down there’ – course you don’t mind. Don’t you go telling Margaret though,” Granny warned, pointing the stem of her pipe at Stan. “Otherwise I’ll have to tell her how you took advantage of a defenseless old woman.” Granny winked in a lascivious manner which would have made Stan vomit if he’d had any control over any part of his body.
Granny found her box of matches and lit a pair. After a few seconds of gummy sucking noises, the sulfurous odor from the burning matches was replaced by an intense peppery fragrance. As the first wisp of tobacco smoke curled up from Granny’s lips, Stan found that he’d been released. The stuffy fullness in his head disappeared, like a sinus suddenly releasing. He was repulsed but the memories of what he had felt before… it had been the most powerful sensations of pleasure he’d ever experienced. Pure hedonism. Stan loved a bit of hedonism. He wanted to experience that again.
Granny nodded. “Imagine how much better it would be with her… with Alice.”
“Are you still in my head?”
“Of course not, filthy place. Wouldn’t dream of hanging around in there.” Granny winked in a manner which made Stan’s body tense. “Of course, some of the filth wasn’t too bad. I liked the bits with me in… and watching all those innocent girlies getting their bottoms boned brought back some happy memories.” Granny wormed herself deeper into the cushions. “Of course all that will stop if the world ends.”
“What will?”
“Anal sex with virgin girls. No-one gets born down there, remember. They’ll be no new girls coming onto the scene for you to deflower. It won’t be long before all the girls have given it away.” Granny took a long drag on her pipe and spoke her next thought through a cloud of smoke thick enough to suggest that her lungs were on fire. “And you’ll have to share with the other demons down there. Unless you agree to call it off.”
“Call what off?”
“The whole shebang. This End-Of-The-World nonsense.”
There was the sound of keys in the front door. “I’m back,” Alice called. A pair of shoes hurtled down the hallway like a bowling ball down an alley. All manner of boots and shoes fell like skittles at the far end. They were the sounds of a girl in a hurry.
“I’ll just get you a plate, Granny,” Alice said, but her eyes were on Stan as she smiled. There was an underlying something which Stan recognized from the leery old woman sitting opposite him. But there was also an innocence and freshness which were long-lost attributes as far as Granny was concerned. Stan smiled hungrily at the stunning body blessed with more than a little stupidity: Alice was a perfect combination as far as Stan was concerned. She was sweating slightly, having obviously run back in her enthusiasm to be with him. It put Stan in mind of what she would look like after he’d fucked her. He felt his desire stirring.
Alice returned with the plate of chips. “Thanks Dearie.”
“Granny?”
“Yeth Alicth,” Granny asked impatiently through a mouth full of chips.
“Should I let him stick his thing in my special place?” Granny stopped chewing and her good eye roved from Alice to Stan and back again to her granddaughter.
“Yeth.” There was an exaggerated gulp.
Alice smiled. “Oh goody!” she exclaimed. Her hands flew up into the ‘Y’ of the YMCA before coming together in an excruciatingly-loud clapping. She ran from the room.
“Aren’t you worried about me being up there… alone with your granddaughter?”
Granny shook her head. A grin formed on Stan’s face. The kind of grin which watches the herd from the long grass and launches into action only as the nursery full of younger meat on wobbly legs starts passing by. The door closed.
“I’m sure you’ll be just fine.” Granny Smith cackled. She liked cackling but didn’t get much of an opportunity to do it these days. Not for real anyway. The cackling quickly broke-down into a coughing fit which had her reaching for the phlegm glass. Something that looked like a pickled walnut was launched into the murky depths and only slowly made its way back to the surface. “Oh, that’s much better,” Granny said cheerily, punching herself in the sternum a dozen times. Granny patted herself down absently. “Where’s that bleedin’ pipe gone?” The pipe was forgotten as she found the remote control wedged somewhere uncomfortable.
“Virgin? My arse.” Granny broke down into another fit of laughter as she flicked through the channels and found something loud which she turned up even more. There were some things an old woman didn’t want to hear: the howls of a disappointed demon being among the top three.
In case you’re wondering - Granny discovered the location of the pipe after a repeat of A Question of Sport was coming to an end when smoke started billowing out of her cleavage.
Meanwhile, upstairs…
Alice had dutifully taken Stan to her bedroom and had removed all her clothes, including her supportive undergarments, which she was currently in the process of folding away. Alice was unaware of what was happening behind her…
One of the things that virgins need to know if they want to maintain that status whilst in the company of demons is to never turn their backs. Demons have no resistance when it comes to temptation, so if a girl bends over and presents herself to a demon what follows is somewhat inevitable. Such is the advice translated from the first edition of Vyrgynyty – Ye mayntaynyng of (1610). The advice may be 400 years old but it’s as true today as it was then.
I’ll show the bitch. Stan’s cock swelled impressively as he lined it up on Alice’s virgin arsehole. This is going to be fun.
Luckily for Stan, the wall at the bottom of Alice’s bed wasn’t solid. Otherwise he might have seriously damaged his favorite body part, it being the first to collide with the plasterboard. His erect penis punched a hole through 10mm of gypsum before it collided with the uneven and decidedly uncompromising brickwork of the real wall, lurking two inches behind the fake one.